From reovalis@gator:

"Did you hear about the teachers hockey game?" Tie asked Robert.

"No, what happened?"

"No one moved the whole game."

"Why was that?"

"Apparently the puck was so dumb that nobody would pass it!"

From killer21@python:

The last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup most of their fans were in diapers. Coincidentally, the next time they win it those same fans will be back in diapers again!

stickman@gopher:

After having their 11th child, a hockey player and his wife decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, and put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The hockey player said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1... 2... 3... 4... 5..." At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is also rumoured to work for baseball and rugby players.

March's Joke of the Month Winner:

steelcurtain@gator (now iceduck@gator)

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some whacko wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No way??? Who did she play for?"

From dnm34@iggy:

Q: How many Maple Leafs players does it take to lift a Stanley Cup?

A: Those of us born after '67 will never know!

From senzani@python:

Q: What is the difference between the Canadian Olympic Men's Hockey Team and a 30-year-old virgin on his first date in ten years?

A: The virgin has a better chance of scoring.

From two-for-hooking@gopher:

The summer comes around and Detroit's Ken Holland decides some new blood is needed on the blueline. He knows exactly which player the team needs, but since Ken's on vacation in Australia for 2 weeks he can't sort things out himself so he gives Mike Babcock authority to organize everything himself via fax.

Three days later he calls the Wings coach's office and asks how the new guy's doing.

"Well he started out great," Babcock says. "But he started to tire after a few drills and didn't really fit in."

"Not to worry." Holland says, confidently. "Dress him for an exhibition game and see how he does."

So Babcock does, and when Holland calls him back he gives his report: "Well he played a few shifts in the first and wasn't so hot. The second period he sucked, so I benched him for the third."

Puzzled, because he knows the guy's got potential, Holland suggests a rigorous training regime of aerobics and jogging to get the guy in shape. But two days later, the news isn't good.

"I don't understand it," Babcock says. "He nearly passed out in the aerobics class and while we were jogging an old lady passed him."

Worried, Holland flies back to Detroit to meet with the new guy, and after doing so he immediately calls Mike Babcock.

"Mike," he says witheringly, "when I said I wanted you to sign Paul Martin I meant the Devils defensemen not the freakin' Canadian ex Prime Minister!"

Posted on 09 May 2006 by ed